I've got a feeling....

I finally got this thing sorted out. It is late and I am tired but my mind is buzzing. There is a million thoughts going through my head. A friend suggested a while back that I should utilise this space. So here I find myself in the land of the bloggers. I greet you brave ones.

I call this blog the truthseeker for a very specific reason. All of my life I have had difficulty with this concept of complete truth. I liked the greay areas. It allowed me for many years to live a double life and hide my true emotions and feelings.
It allowed me the capacity to manipulate situations to my advantage and my evil self thrived on it.
I found that the closest I ever came to the truth was when I wrote. Once those words fell on paper or my fingers started tapping away on the keyboard, it moved me closer to the real me.

Sometimes as a kid you tell yourself certain things. You manufacture things in your mind. For some it is easy to tell the difference, but for others it is not. For myself, I prefer the fairytale. I love the romantic. But sometimes in ones life, life happens and you are forced to step into reality. That is is hard, because real life is hard. It is not meant to be easy. I get that now.

I woke up the other morning and realised that I have been given another chance to start my life over at 35. I realised that all the prayers I have been saying over all these years are now coming into play. And I felt like God is beginning to hear me. Or maybe it is the first time in my life that I am have a real conversation with him. All I know is that it feels good to have someone to talk to.

It is good sometimes to loose everything. It is good sometimes to be called to a halt and to sit back and reflect. It is good sometimes to feel the pressure of alost loosing your house and not knowing how you gonna pay the bills. It is good especially when you have lived a life on assumption and consumption. When you have forgotten where you have come from. When you have lived life callously. When you have been blinded by your arrogance and greed. When you have pushed everything that was good that grounded aside, for pleasures sought in places people only whisper about.

It feels good to be able to get up and walk with pride. No matter how difficult it might be. It feels good to be able to confront your issues and not run away from them. Not drink them away or snort them away. It feels good to be able to accept who and what you are and face up to your imperfections. It feels good to be able to appear as you and not that manufactured person hiding behind things and titles.

I have hurt many people in my life over many years. As much as people love me there are many whom I have dissapointed deeply. I have to live with that, everyday. I have said sorry so many times, that I had forgotten what the word meant. Today I can only show those people that I love them, by the way I live my life.

I am not running anymore. Got no place to run to. I am not hiding anymore. Got no place to hide. I choose to stay.
I am embarking on a journey that will take me to places that many don't want to enter in to. I do this out of choice. Is this about redemption? I feel it is about living.

And while I speak, I would like to acknowledge God in this conversation. No longer am I gonna make excuses for my believe in a higher power, God. When all else failed and nothing made sense. He was there. When I was in the depths of my addiction, He was there. When I lost my children, He was there. When I walked away from, the women I loved, He was there. When I lost everything and had to start over, He was there. When I had thoughts of suicide, He was there. When I made bad decisions in business. He was there. When I sold my soul for money. He was there. When I saw the light and knew that I was gonna be ok, He was there. When I asked for quiet inside, He was there.

And as I start this journey, pray that He will hold my hand. Each day before I get out of bed. I say thank you for the opportunity to start over.

I have discovered that my journey must start everyday. I have discovered that it is ok not to have all the answers. It is ok to feel indifferent at times. It is ok to love and to fall in love. It is ok to love yourself, no matter how dissapointed you are. It is ok to cry sometimes. It is ok to stand up for what you believe in. It is ok to disagree with people. It is ok to plan ahead. It is ok to want to get married and be happy and live a normal life. It is ok to seek help and ask for directions. It is ok. And it will be ok.

Some told me once that the true measure of a man is not what he has, but how well he gets up after he has fallen. We have some many thing that pulls us down and we carry so much societal expectations with us.

Time to sit down for a moment and to take a load off. Look to the sky. Listen to the night. Listen to your heart. I try that sometimes and it does help...

Peace & Love
GAH - the truthseeker