My dearest love,
I have been wanting to write this letter for the longest time now. So many days have past, so many seasons since I last saw you. Since I last held you in my arms. I miss simply just looking into your eyes, even though I know it became very painful toward the end of our time together.
When you could see right through me and where I was headed. Where our journey ended.
But I want to reminisce and talk of the good times. Of falling in love. Of seeing each other for the first time.
It was an August afternoon and Yeoville was bumping. I stepped off the bus opposite Time Square (before the days of quarts) and made my way to a table in the corner on the stoep. My favourite table. I ordered my usual, rolled a cigarette, took out Jean Paul-Sarte and struck my intellectual pose. Many came to join me over the course of many hours and we held court till the early hours of the morning. But somewhere in that evening you came along and...
I remember so clearly, you said so little but I could not stop trying to listen every word that fell from your mouth.
You were new in town and completely different to other women. You had an uncomplicated manner about you. It was like you lived life as if it was the last moment. Not intense at all, but yet intense in your quiet moments when you disappeared to a far off place inside.
And I fell in love with you so deeply. When you laughed you whole being laughed from within and your eyes disappeared. When we strolled down Rocky Street and and you held my arm, pulling me from side to side to show me something exciting that you have noticed, I gave into your childlike moments. You made me so much more than that pseudo-intellectual realm I was trapped in.
And when we made love for the first time, it was like tasting cool water for the first time. I could not stop drinking from you. We consumed each other, we ate, made love, laughed, listened to music, danced, made love, spoke, made love.
But we both knew from the start that it would never last. And when we lost our child, through mutual consent, not only our child died, but we died. Today I know that the love never died.
Like I said it has been many seasons. We were young and hopeful and filled with so many ideals. We were gonna change the world and love forever.
Forever turned out to be just a short little time.
I can't even remember who left who. It was never really important, though. All I knew is that a part of my soul was gone. And you still carry it with you today. I know it is with you. And we have moved on with our lives and we have fulfilled parts of our promises to one another, with others today.
And I see our daughters' eyes in the eyes of your kids and my kids today and wonder what she would have been like. Whether she would have had your laugh and my temperament. Whether she would have had your resolve and tenderness. Whether she would have shared our common love for music and good food.
I used to think of us as a family, but that was a long time ago. I think it was easy because we understood that even though we deeply loved each other, there was simply no way we could be together. But even though, it was sore and both of us hid our pain behind smiles and tender embraces for such a long time. But we moved on and loved others.
So why am I writing this letter to you after so many years you might ask?
Well I have always had this conversation with you in my head and it is time I tell you how I felt and how I feel. And I never really had a moment to say sorry and to say thank you for letting me into a place, at a time that was chosen for us by the universe. It was an amazing space. And even though there was pain, we loved each other and it was real. In that moment we truly loved each other. That is special. There are some people that go through life and they never experience even an ounce of what we had.
You opened my soul and my heart and taught me how to truly love a woman.
So I pray that He will hold you heart and our daughter's soul safe in His hands, always.
Love always
George
GAH - the truthseeker
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
OUR COLLECTIVE TRUTH - I cry tears for my ANC...
My ten year old boy, Che Amaru came up to me the other day and asked if I knew what a democracy is? Before I could answer he interjected and said; "A goverment for the people by the people." I smiled and saw his revolutionary light shine. He reminded me of me a long time ago. I see so much of me in him. The good side that is.
His words stayed with me long afterward and I started a conversation in my head. This is how my writing process starts. I have internal discourse and ask a million questions. All the time.
A government for the people. by the people. In South Africa today we certainly have that. Like all things in life it is not perfect and we have our challenges, but no one can deny that in this 16 years of democratisation, we have come a long way.
The ruling African National Congress (ANC) have certainly delivered on their promise to lead the oppressed masses out of slavery to the promised land. Or have they?
Added to the above question there are a few other critical questions we need to ask ourselves as a nation. And let us be honest and frank. On this platform we will not stiffle discourse.
Hard questions but critical ones. The act of revolutionary politics and the business of governance are two diffrent realities. These paradigms are on a collission course in this country and I for one do not know whether we will be able to prevent it.
Perhaps like most things in life what is happening now and what will happen in the future should be. It is the nature of this beast to eat its children. We have seen it happen to so many other African countries post liberation. As South Africans we have always dolled ourselves up and thought ourselves different from the rest of Africa. In fact we pride ourselves that we are not like our neighbours. The sad reality is that we have been showing the symptoms of backsliding for the longest time.
We have told white lies and we have spinned. And we started to believe or own hype.
But before I continue let me state out right, that I am not an Afro Pessimist. I believe in my country and in the continent. I fully comprehend the historical and socio-economic context pre and post colonisation and the legacy that we still have to deal with so many years later...
But please this is no excuse to become like our former colonisers and oppressors.
I asked those criltical questions earlier on because I want people to engage with it. To look at their current disposition and ask, just how far have we come? And where is it that we are headed to with the current leadership holding the political torch for the poor.
While we have empowered millions with our social grant system and created substantial amounts of jobs through the expanded public works programme, something just isn't right.
And here I keep on thinking about a culture of sustainabality. It seems outside of the social grant system, there is no real workable strategy in place to create longer term employment for our people. There are talks on the table about an industrial development programme, but it is just that at the moment.
We know and understand that we had to make hard decisions in terms of the economic policy direction in the early 90's and that this has had an impact on where we find ourselves today, but we did so knwoingly to protect white capital and the rising black elite. So in the name of fiscal prudence and economic growth to attract direct foreign investment, we sold out. But we had to, because the economy we inherited was far from perfect.
It is said that with the recession we lost a total of more than a million jobs, but the powers that be in their wisdom still predicted economic growth. Maybe for the super rich or the rising black wabenzi...But certainly not for the poorest of the poor.
We still have increased levels of gross economic inequality in our society. And all the current leadership can do, is by expensive cars, splurs money on mansions, hotels and accessories. Set them and their family members up in businesess and rape the public sector coffers. Negotiate deals and appear fleetingly to the poor when they need their votes. And every so often have a gathering and hand out food and a tshirt.
This is the current government for the people by the people.
But yet 66% of this nation voted the ANC back into power, with the hope that the Post polokwane savior Jacob Zuma will push the people's agenda. And I was one of those that voted for the ANC.
Certainly he says all the right things. But one gets the idea that he is always punching from the back foot. I am not interested at this time to get involved in a moral debate around our president. Critical as that might be, it has its place in another blog-episode.
The writing is on the walls across the country. We have had sustained service delivery protests across this country for the longest time now. People are growing increasingly impatient with the non delivery of services and election promises. This is the reality. We are sitting on a time bomb as far xenophobic attacks are concerned, with foreing nationals being the most vunerable when these attacks take place.
When have no moral compass when it comes to populist political leadership. Civil Society are treated like the enemey, when this democracy should be embracing these civic structures that are seeking to find a voice in our society.
We have have moved so far from the ideals of the National Democratic Revolution. I often listen in utter disbelieve when I listen to the current leadership giving inputs on issues that affect the lives of our people. The sad reality is that as it is with most orginsations the ANC is not perfect, it has never been. The oldest revolutionary movement on this continent has it flaws.
But I worry when the progressive voices are silenced and you witness the Stalinst purge post Polokwane and no one says anything.
I worry when the left in the alliance are moving to the centre simply in my opinion to pay patronage.
I worry when I see no clear "new" leaders moving to the forefront other than what we have in the ANC at the moment.
I worry when this ANC that I love so much is threatening my basic civil liberties.
I worry when the Malemas' of this world are given the plaftform to do as the wish at the cost of national reconcilliation.
I worry when I see an ugly retrogressive africanist agenda rearing it head and no one is saying anything about it.
I worry for Che who is ten and I worry for the ideals of democracy...
Just a few simple thoughts to get the debate going...
Peace & Love
GAH
(P.S) I still believe in the ideals of the Freedom Charter and what the ANC was born out of. I still believe it is the only organsation that can set my people free. I just don't think that it can achieve that with the current leadership.
His words stayed with me long afterward and I started a conversation in my head. This is how my writing process starts. I have internal discourse and ask a million questions. All the time.
A government for the people. by the people. In South Africa today we certainly have that. Like all things in life it is not perfect and we have our challenges, but no one can deny that in this 16 years of democratisation, we have come a long way.
The ruling African National Congress (ANC) have certainly delivered on their promise to lead the oppressed masses out of slavery to the promised land. Or have they?
Added to the above question there are a few other critical questions we need to ask ourselves as a nation. And let us be honest and frank. On this platform we will not stiffle discourse.
- Have we sold out the ideals of the revolution?
- Are the economic policies of the current administration and the ruling ANC progresive enough to push a developmental and real empowerment agenda?
- Do we have progressive leadership in the ANC that understand and are really interested in a pro-poor agenda?
- Does the ANC still ascribe to a non-racial agenda?
- Does the ANC have on its current executive national structures (NEC &NWC) a leadership that has the political will to enact real change to the lives of the people of South Africa?
- Could the national leadership care what happens in the Western Cape?
- Does COSATU & the SACP have a real voice in the alliance and will they be able to push a leftist agenda to the benefit of the poor?
- Are there really seperation of powers within the tier of the executive?
- Is South Africa becoming a one party state and what effect will this have on a healthy democracy?
- Are the critical/progressive thinkers being silenced within the ruling party?
- Is the rift between rich and poor widening and what impact will this have on the country as a whole?
- Are we allowing a culture of entitlement and patronage at the expense of true economic empowerment?
- How long will we be able to continue on this trajectory, before the centers gives way?
Hard questions but critical ones. The act of revolutionary politics and the business of governance are two diffrent realities. These paradigms are on a collission course in this country and I for one do not know whether we will be able to prevent it.
Perhaps like most things in life what is happening now and what will happen in the future should be. It is the nature of this beast to eat its children. We have seen it happen to so many other African countries post liberation. As South Africans we have always dolled ourselves up and thought ourselves different from the rest of Africa. In fact we pride ourselves that we are not like our neighbours. The sad reality is that we have been showing the symptoms of backsliding for the longest time.
We have told white lies and we have spinned. And we started to believe or own hype.
But before I continue let me state out right, that I am not an Afro Pessimist. I believe in my country and in the continent. I fully comprehend the historical and socio-economic context pre and post colonisation and the legacy that we still have to deal with so many years later...
But please this is no excuse to become like our former colonisers and oppressors.
I asked those criltical questions earlier on because I want people to engage with it. To look at their current disposition and ask, just how far have we come? And where is it that we are headed to with the current leadership holding the political torch for the poor.
While we have empowered millions with our social grant system and created substantial amounts of jobs through the expanded public works programme, something just isn't right.
And here I keep on thinking about a culture of sustainabality. It seems outside of the social grant system, there is no real workable strategy in place to create longer term employment for our people. There are talks on the table about an industrial development programme, but it is just that at the moment.
We know and understand that we had to make hard decisions in terms of the economic policy direction in the early 90's and that this has had an impact on where we find ourselves today, but we did so knwoingly to protect white capital and the rising black elite. So in the name of fiscal prudence and economic growth to attract direct foreign investment, we sold out. But we had to, because the economy we inherited was far from perfect.
It is said that with the recession we lost a total of more than a million jobs, but the powers that be in their wisdom still predicted economic growth. Maybe for the super rich or the rising black wabenzi...But certainly not for the poorest of the poor.
We still have increased levels of gross economic inequality in our society. And all the current leadership can do, is by expensive cars, splurs money on mansions, hotels and accessories. Set them and their family members up in businesess and rape the public sector coffers. Negotiate deals and appear fleetingly to the poor when they need their votes. And every so often have a gathering and hand out food and a tshirt.
This is the current government for the people by the people.
But yet 66% of this nation voted the ANC back into power, with the hope that the Post polokwane savior Jacob Zuma will push the people's agenda. And I was one of those that voted for the ANC.
Certainly he says all the right things. But one gets the idea that he is always punching from the back foot. I am not interested at this time to get involved in a moral debate around our president. Critical as that might be, it has its place in another blog-episode.
The writing is on the walls across the country. We have had sustained service delivery protests across this country for the longest time now. People are growing increasingly impatient with the non delivery of services and election promises. This is the reality. We are sitting on a time bomb as far xenophobic attacks are concerned, with foreing nationals being the most vunerable when these attacks take place.
When have no moral compass when it comes to populist political leadership. Civil Society are treated like the enemey, when this democracy should be embracing these civic structures that are seeking to find a voice in our society.
We have have moved so far from the ideals of the National Democratic Revolution. I often listen in utter disbelieve when I listen to the current leadership giving inputs on issues that affect the lives of our people. The sad reality is that as it is with most orginsations the ANC is not perfect, it has never been. The oldest revolutionary movement on this continent has it flaws.
But I worry when the progressive voices are silenced and you witness the Stalinst purge post Polokwane and no one says anything.
I worry when the left in the alliance are moving to the centre simply in my opinion to pay patronage.
I worry when I see no clear "new" leaders moving to the forefront other than what we have in the ANC at the moment.
I worry when this ANC that I love so much is threatening my basic civil liberties.
I worry when the Malemas' of this world are given the plaftform to do as the wish at the cost of national reconcilliation.
I worry when I see an ugly retrogressive africanist agenda rearing it head and no one is saying anything about it.
I worry for Che who is ten and I worry for the ideals of democracy...
Just a few simple thoughts to get the debate going...
Peace & Love
GAH
(P.S) I still believe in the ideals of the Freedom Charter and what the ANC was born out of. I still believe it is the only organsation that can set my people free. I just don't think that it can achieve that with the current leadership.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
I've got a feeling....
I finally got this thing sorted out. It is late and I am tired but my mind is buzzing. There is a million thoughts going through my head. A friend suggested a while back that I should utilise this space. So here I find myself in the land of the bloggers. I greet you brave ones.
I call this blog the truthseeker for a very specific reason. All of my life I have had difficulty with this concept of complete truth. I liked the greay areas. It allowed me for many years to live a double life and hide my true emotions and feelings.
It allowed me the capacity to manipulate situations to my advantage and my evil self thrived on it.
I found that the closest I ever came to the truth was when I wrote. Once those words fell on paper or my fingers started tapping away on the keyboard, it moved me closer to the real me.
Sometimes as a kid you tell yourself certain things. You manufacture things in your mind. For some it is easy to tell the difference, but for others it is not. For myself, I prefer the fairytale. I love the romantic. But sometimes in ones life, life happens and you are forced to step into reality. That is is hard, because real life is hard. It is not meant to be easy. I get that now.
I woke up the other morning and realised that I have been given another chance to start my life over at 35. I realised that all the prayers I have been saying over all these years are now coming into play. And I felt like God is beginning to hear me. Or maybe it is the first time in my life that I am have a real conversation with him. All I know is that it feels good to have someone to talk to.
It is good sometimes to loose everything. It is good sometimes to be called to a halt and to sit back and reflect. It is good sometimes to feel the pressure of alost loosing your house and not knowing how you gonna pay the bills. It is good especially when you have lived a life on assumption and consumption. When you have forgotten where you have come from. When you have lived life callously. When you have been blinded by your arrogance and greed. When you have pushed everything that was good that grounded aside, for pleasures sought in places people only whisper about.
It feels good to be able to get up and walk with pride. No matter how difficult it might be. It feels good to be able to confront your issues and not run away from them. Not drink them away or snort them away. It feels good to be able to accept who and what you are and face up to your imperfections. It feels good to be able to appear as you and not that manufactured person hiding behind things and titles.
I have hurt many people in my life over many years. As much as people love me there are many whom I have dissapointed deeply. I have to live with that, everyday. I have said sorry so many times, that I had forgotten what the word meant. Today I can only show those people that I love them, by the way I live my life.
I am not running anymore. Got no place to run to. I am not hiding anymore. Got no place to hide. I choose to stay.
I am embarking on a journey that will take me to places that many don't want to enter in to. I do this out of choice. Is this about redemption? I feel it is about living.
And while I speak, I would like to acknowledge God in this conversation. No longer am I gonna make excuses for my believe in a higher power, God. When all else failed and nothing made sense. He was there. When I was in the depths of my addiction, He was there. When I lost my children, He was there. When I walked away from, the women I loved, He was there. When I lost everything and had to start over, He was there. When I had thoughts of suicide, He was there. When I made bad decisions in business. He was there. When I sold my soul for money. He was there. When I saw the light and knew that I was gonna be ok, He was there. When I asked for quiet inside, He was there.
And as I start this journey, pray that He will hold my hand. Each day before I get out of bed. I say thank you for the opportunity to start over.
I have discovered that my journey must start everyday. I have discovered that it is ok not to have all the answers. It is ok to feel indifferent at times. It is ok to love and to fall in love. It is ok to love yourself, no matter how dissapointed you are. It is ok to cry sometimes. It is ok to stand up for what you believe in. It is ok to disagree with people. It is ok to plan ahead. It is ok to want to get married and be happy and live a normal life. It is ok to seek help and ask for directions. It is ok. And it will be ok.
Some told me once that the true measure of a man is not what he has, but how well he gets up after he has fallen. We have some many thing that pulls us down and we carry so much societal expectations with us.
Time to sit down for a moment and to take a load off. Look to the sky. Listen to the night. Listen to your heart. I try that sometimes and it does help...
Peace & Love
GAH - the truthseeker
I call this blog the truthseeker for a very specific reason. All of my life I have had difficulty with this concept of complete truth. I liked the greay areas. It allowed me for many years to live a double life and hide my true emotions and feelings.
It allowed me the capacity to manipulate situations to my advantage and my evil self thrived on it.
I found that the closest I ever came to the truth was when I wrote. Once those words fell on paper or my fingers started tapping away on the keyboard, it moved me closer to the real me.
Sometimes as a kid you tell yourself certain things. You manufacture things in your mind. For some it is easy to tell the difference, but for others it is not. For myself, I prefer the fairytale. I love the romantic. But sometimes in ones life, life happens and you are forced to step into reality. That is is hard, because real life is hard. It is not meant to be easy. I get that now.
I woke up the other morning and realised that I have been given another chance to start my life over at 35. I realised that all the prayers I have been saying over all these years are now coming into play. And I felt like God is beginning to hear me. Or maybe it is the first time in my life that I am have a real conversation with him. All I know is that it feels good to have someone to talk to.
It is good sometimes to loose everything. It is good sometimes to be called to a halt and to sit back and reflect. It is good sometimes to feel the pressure of alost loosing your house and not knowing how you gonna pay the bills. It is good especially when you have lived a life on assumption and consumption. When you have forgotten where you have come from. When you have lived life callously. When you have been blinded by your arrogance and greed. When you have pushed everything that was good that grounded aside, for pleasures sought in places people only whisper about.
It feels good to be able to get up and walk with pride. No matter how difficult it might be. It feels good to be able to confront your issues and not run away from them. Not drink them away or snort them away. It feels good to be able to accept who and what you are and face up to your imperfections. It feels good to be able to appear as you and not that manufactured person hiding behind things and titles.
I have hurt many people in my life over many years. As much as people love me there are many whom I have dissapointed deeply. I have to live with that, everyday. I have said sorry so many times, that I had forgotten what the word meant. Today I can only show those people that I love them, by the way I live my life.
I am not running anymore. Got no place to run to. I am not hiding anymore. Got no place to hide. I choose to stay.
I am embarking on a journey that will take me to places that many don't want to enter in to. I do this out of choice. Is this about redemption? I feel it is about living.
And while I speak, I would like to acknowledge God in this conversation. No longer am I gonna make excuses for my believe in a higher power, God. When all else failed and nothing made sense. He was there. When I was in the depths of my addiction, He was there. When I lost my children, He was there. When I walked away from, the women I loved, He was there. When I lost everything and had to start over, He was there. When I had thoughts of suicide, He was there. When I made bad decisions in business. He was there. When I sold my soul for money. He was there. When I saw the light and knew that I was gonna be ok, He was there. When I asked for quiet inside, He was there.
And as I start this journey, pray that He will hold my hand. Each day before I get out of bed. I say thank you for the opportunity to start over.
I have discovered that my journey must start everyday. I have discovered that it is ok not to have all the answers. It is ok to feel indifferent at times. It is ok to love and to fall in love. It is ok to love yourself, no matter how dissapointed you are. It is ok to cry sometimes. It is ok to stand up for what you believe in. It is ok to disagree with people. It is ok to plan ahead. It is ok to want to get married and be happy and live a normal life. It is ok to seek help and ask for directions. It is ok. And it will be ok.
Some told me once that the true measure of a man is not what he has, but how well he gets up after he has fallen. We have some many thing that pulls us down and we carry so much societal expectations with us.
Time to sit down for a moment and to take a load off. Look to the sky. Listen to the night. Listen to your heart. I try that sometimes and it does help...
Peace & Love
GAH - the truthseeker
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