It was mid winter in Cape Town. The kind of day where the South Easter blew violently and brought with it sharded raindrops. I had a long walk to the Journalism Department at what was then called Peninsula Technikon. Not even the horrid weather could keep my away from writing my entry exam to study journalism. Filled with ideals of changing the world and telling the people’s story of a newly liberated South Africa, I sat down rain soaked and battered and entered into my vocation as a truth seeker.
That was almost two decades ago. Today the ideals are still firmly entrenched, but then along the way the new South Africa happened. Hindsight, most certainly has it benefits. We were a new breed of journalists that were set loose to transform the media landscape. The years that followed saw distinct advances as we began to change the narrative of the media in our country. The transformation process was painful but necessary and we achieved major advances. The face of the former State Broadcaster changed and entered into an era of a responsible Public Broadcasting. The early 90’s to the early 2000’s was our Woodstock. A period of free thought when our ideals were the fire that fed our convictions. Newsrooms across the media spectrum underwent cultural revolutions as we chipped away at the white enamel that for so many decades set the narrative in our country.
We witnessed the rise of the black editor across the spectrum and we thought that now we are feasting on the fruits of our struggle.
We can never cast asunder the advances we made and the opportunities it had created for so many that has come after us, but in hindsight all I see today is a tired, has-been ramp model with too much make make-up on. It is after twelve and 20 whiskeys later, it all goes on sale and everything and everyone looks good. But the morning after the reality sets in.
No one taught us how to navigate the treacherous ocean called capital. Because of our political upbringing we knew and understood that white capital were evil. Given the legacy of apartheid we knew and understood our role as the 4th estate. We held on to the transformation agenda and thought that a few black faces in strategic positions meant true transformation. We even thought that launching our own media interests would be sustainable. We had to wake up to the realities of just how little we have transformed almost two decades down the line.
As a nation in the post 1994 era we often neglect to admit that the foundation of this new South Africa was build on compromise. A compromise that benefitted Capital more than the people. I will be the first to admit that we have made advances. The question is though, to what end? As far as the majority of media institutions are concerned we just need to do a simple ownership audit to see what the real lay of the land is.
The new South Africa was fast tracked and many in this country had little choice but to simply assimilate. The same goes for the media industry. Capital do not take kindly to change, particularly when it interferes with the bottom line. Economic modules are in play and no transformation agenda will stand in the way of their revenue stream.
When we look at where Editorial Independence then comes into play, we need to do and honest assessment. In Manufacturing Consent: The Political Economy of the Mass Media (1988), by Edward S. Herman and Noam Chompsky they analyse news media as a business. They use what they call the propaganda model and asserts that what drives all main stream media and we can argue even our Public Broadcaster is the bottom line. They are merely businesses subject to commercial competition for advertising revenue and profit. There is always a profit motif. Thus we need to wake up and understand that this is where we find ourselves. We are part of this Free Market World, irrespective of the ever widening gap between rich and poor in our country. Irrespective of the rhetoric of a developmental state.
Capital has no color, has no compassion and is not interested in Editorial Independence. All media houses have agendas depending on its ownership.
So what do we do? Do we merely continue accepting this or do we move the debate onto another plain and perhaps start talking about Editorial Balance. Editorial Independence pre-supposes complete control over the news product by appointed editorial staff, with no interference from the owners. This definition and/or aspiration will always see the business owners in conflict with its editorial staff even though there is a set of editorial guidelines and ethics regulating the final news product. The givers of revenue do not take kindly to negative reportage. The 4th Estate does not take kindly to being told what they can put out there. And the owners do not take kindly to losing revenue. After all they are running a business and the profit share and bottom line is king.
While we are engaged in a battle to prevent government from establishing a Media Appeals Tribunal, we should not lose sight at the real transformation of our mindsets that need to take place in a much contested media environment. As the 4th Estate we need to do deep introspection and start engaging the media owners on how we bring back an accepted level of Editorial Balance into our newsrooms. We are no longer in a position where we can simply discard the business of our media entities and in the same vain we cannot wish away that we are neglecting the real-politik in terms of a progressive narrative.
Let us take the reality of our disposition and call back the idealism of that youngster that so much wanted to change the world and simply tell the story of a new nation. Let us take collective responsibility for where we find ourselves and move forward to a space where open and honestly debate our challenges and enact real transformation and empowerment.
End…
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
A MILLION JOURNEYS...
A MILLION DAYS…
I have not done this for a while. I guess it has a lot to do with the quiet inside that I have been experiencing off late. For many years I have searched for peace and love. And as the cliché would have it, in all the wrong places.
We often travel through life and we seek to express ourselves in finding that voice that is unique and is truly original. We sacrifice what is so inherently part of our make-up in the pursuit of authenticity. We so wish to be the creators of original thought and action that we forget that we are all somehow interlinked and that many have gone before us and that the thoughts we think and the feelings we feel and the actions we do have been done before.
We have immense difficulty separating the body and the soul. The body that is merely the vessel that carries the soul. The soul that gives the thought of life and therefore existence. Both must be fed. The body with nutrients and the soul with willful thought.
We are born and we die. These are two truths that occur daily. And in between we live life. We are socialized all in a particular manner and we operate within a particular paradigm. We are emotional beings and 9 times out of 10 we make decisions based on emotion. We might be calculated in certain instances but for the most part the way we were socialized and how we were schooled teaches us how we must react to life and whatever is thrown in our path. Whether we make good or bad decisions we will first consider the individual and then the group. When we have families and extended social units we would consider them first, but for the most part the decision will inadvertently have an impact on us as individuals. We assume the collective outcomes and personalize it.
For the most part we are selfish individuals. And this is not necessarily a bad thing. We need to be able to care for ourselves, love ourselves and give to ourselves before we can do so to others. While this might sound harsh we have to look to ourselves first. We only truly begin to appreciate others when we appreciate ourselves.
Many of us have difficulty truly loving ourselves. Many of us have immense problems with feeding our souls and would rather feed the body. This is why we have such rampant consumerism in our society; this is why we choose to accumulate things instead of feeding our souls.
We all have different believe systems, but the fundamental precepts of any religious or spiritual believe system is that we must acknowledge a creator. That we should live in love and peace. That we should love others. That we should do good instead of evil.
We often seek solace in God when we are down and out. When life is good we are too busy living the good life to remember God, thus we neglect the soul. And when we neglect the soul we set aside the basic precepts of love. When we do this we have only one person in mind and that is the individual.
It took me a long time to realize that I do not have to do life, alone. It took me a long time to realize that society and what is considered acceptable behavior is infact far removed from the nutrition that my soul so much yearned for. And for many years storms raged inside of me. I was always running out of time. Not enough time in the day to consume. Never stopping for a moment to listen to what my soul had required.
So in His infinite wisdom God came and gave me time. He came and removed all the material trappings that stood in my path to Him and peace. He gave me time to move closer to Him. To learn to love and appreciate my son, again. To learn and love my family again. To make peace with myself and my past. To open my mind to the possibilities of doing good and helping others simply because I could. To walk in humility and see all those people on the street that I just passed without ever looking in their eyes. To truly appreciate my sobriety and the road I have travelled. To pray and not just speak empty words. To feed my soul everyday and to say thank you for small miracles. He allowed me to fall in love again and to look forward to this moment I find myself in.
There is so much more. When I look at the sky and I feel the sun on my face, I am grateful. When I see my extended family and see that for the first time in a long while a measure of trust has been rebuilt, I smile and say thank you. When I hear God speak and allow Him to live in my life I am happy.
I find that in the simplicity of goodness and love we find happiness and that we can only find within and sharing it without wanting anything in return.
But this is a journey that will continue for the rest of my life and I pray that I will have the insight to simply do God’s will and set my will aside. And in love I pray that all that has a piece of my heart will be able to share in this journey…
GAH (the truthseeker)
13:07:2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
A LOVE (RE)MOVED
Maya Angelou speaks of loving in and out of time
As she holds near the possibility of love
I have lost time
And I have lost love
The keeper of my time has moved on
On to a place where space does not exist anymore
As these memories are fast fading
The construct of my existence lays shattered
Broken pieces of yesterday
The reflections puzzled
What is this place?
The purveyor of my love
Now stands alone
On a far off shore
The sight of that passing love
Touch deep inside
I smile
Out of this misery hope is born
Love prevails
Even though far removed
It is like the taste of ginger that lingers
Like the smell of sunflowers
In the midday sun
Like your touch so long ago…
George A. Hill
August 2009
As she holds near the possibility of love
I have lost time
And I have lost love
The keeper of my time has moved on
On to a place where space does not exist anymore
As these memories are fast fading
The construct of my existence lays shattered
Broken pieces of yesterday
The reflections puzzled
What is this place?
The purveyor of my love
Now stands alone
On a far off shore
The sight of that passing love
Touch deep inside
I smile
Out of this misery hope is born
Love prevails
Even though far removed
It is like the taste of ginger that lingers
Like the smell of sunflowers
In the midday sun
Like your touch so long ago…
George A. Hill
August 2009
Friday, May 28, 2010
The tranquility of us
The promise of my now is brigther than my tomorrow
A tomorrow never promised to me
And my now exist
Within myself
There is a semblance of peace
A quiet contained within myself
The elusive calm came from beyond the depths of despair
Setting me on this journey
I wonder less
And accept more
A faith so bright
It blinds insecurity
Through the hurt
The pain
The anger
The self-loathing
The shame
I stand on this rock of gratitude
Sometimes I go silent
When I speak to God
And I know He is close to me
It makes sense now
The insanity of self
I am at peace now
With the tranquility of us...
GAH
May 2009
Peace & Love - GAH the trurhseeker
A tomorrow never promised to me
And my now exist
Within myself
There is a semblance of peace
A quiet contained within myself
The elusive calm came from beyond the depths of despair
Setting me on this journey
I wonder less
And accept more
A faith so bright
It blinds insecurity
Through the hurt
The pain
The anger
The self-loathing
The shame
I stand on this rock of gratitude
Sometimes I go silent
When I speak to God
And I know He is close to me
It makes sense now
The insanity of self
I am at peace now
With the tranquility of us...
GAH
May 2009
Peace & Love - GAH the trurhseeker
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
SONDER 'N NAAM
jou gedagtes le na aan my
soos daai more toe ons een was
en diep binne jou het ek verdwaal
na 'n hemel-blou-oranje poort
'n canvas van ons liefde le tussen ons siele en reik uit na mekaar.
die smaak van liefde
soos gulsige tonge wat oorryp pruime proe en taai spore nalaat,
dae later steeds wandel jy deur my gedagtes,
kieste vol verrukking,
die tasbaarheid van liefde.
jy sit op jou plek en ryg jou vingers deur die grond,
speel met die sand en die modder kleef aan jou hande, arms en elmboe,
die gladheid tussen jou tone,
die reuk van aarde jaag jou altyd na.
die klank na liefde.
soms wil ek net jou stem hoor,
jou kielie-lag so diep uit jou onderste uit,
waar jy jou alles blootle,
sonder skerm met ope arms,
die sig na liefde.
ek kyk na jou,
hoe die boeke jou toevoe,
jou naakte lyf daaronder,
so weerloos,
so sag,
so fyn,
so glad,
tussen die blaaie vind jy altyd vrede,
en om die hoeke van jou mond staan lagduiweltjies en loer,
en terg mekaar weerbarstig,
ek skryf al lank oor liefde,
ek skryf al lank oor jou,
jy wat nie eers 'n naam het nie,
jy wat stilbly en altyd na my luister,
wat vloei binne my en kleef aan my siel,
soms maak ek my oe styf toe en smile,
dis altyd net ek en jy,
en ek ken nie eers jou naam nie...
George A. Hill
jozi 2005
(Peace & Love GAH - the truthseeker)
soos daai more toe ons een was
en diep binne jou het ek verdwaal
na 'n hemel-blou-oranje poort
'n canvas van ons liefde le tussen ons siele en reik uit na mekaar.
die smaak van liefde
soos gulsige tonge wat oorryp pruime proe en taai spore nalaat,
dae later steeds wandel jy deur my gedagtes,
kieste vol verrukking,
die tasbaarheid van liefde.
jy sit op jou plek en ryg jou vingers deur die grond,
speel met die sand en die modder kleef aan jou hande, arms en elmboe,
die gladheid tussen jou tone,
die reuk van aarde jaag jou altyd na.
die klank na liefde.
soms wil ek net jou stem hoor,
jou kielie-lag so diep uit jou onderste uit,
waar jy jou alles blootle,
sonder skerm met ope arms,
die sig na liefde.
ek kyk na jou,
hoe die boeke jou toevoe,
jou naakte lyf daaronder,
so weerloos,
so sag,
so fyn,
so glad,
tussen die blaaie vind jy altyd vrede,
en om die hoeke van jou mond staan lagduiweltjies en loer,
en terg mekaar weerbarstig,
ek skryf al lank oor liefde,
ek skryf al lank oor jou,
jy wat nie eers 'n naam het nie,
jy wat stilbly en altyd na my luister,
wat vloei binne my en kleef aan my siel,
soms maak ek my oe styf toe en smile,
dis altyd net ek en jy,
en ek ken nie eers jou naam nie...
George A. Hill
jozi 2005
(Peace & Love GAH - the truthseeker)
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
die vlaktes van my siel
Ongetitled. 10
Vanmore is my gedagtes van gister
Dit wat was en miskien nooit weer sal wees nie
En tussen verdwaalde emosies
Sak die son en strek sy hand uit na die maan se skaduwee
Die somerreens bly nou lank weg
En die dorre hitte verteer my
Die soeke na ‘n kalm koelte
Is soos ‘n reisiger wat haas oppad is na nerens
Maar erens op ‘n pad
Le die hemel blou
Met sulke wit engeltjies
Wat waai in die wind
En die kroes bossies
Rus vaal en bruin
En lewe in die dorre aarde
Met waters diep na benede
Die plek, waar dit eens soos die sand gele het
En as jy stil word kan jy steeds die golwe hoor
En jy proe steeds die sout wat hierdie aarde deurtrek
Die stories van reisigers waai in die wind
Na plekke waar siele trek
Waar alleen-wees allerdaags is
En in die plek waar seisoene net geken word aan die son se tyd
Is oomblikke veel langer
Hier ontferm tyd hom nog oor sy kinders wat die lewe nagelaat het
Hier is drome tydloos en bly met jou
Hier kan jy praat
Na jouself luister
Want God het hierdie plek omskep
En die kleed van verwagtinge weggewerp
Sodat die stille stemme meegevoer word na hulle wat nog die storie moet hoor….
George A. Hill
Augustus 2009
(peace & love - GAH the truthseeker)
Vanmore is my gedagtes van gister
Dit wat was en miskien nooit weer sal wees nie
En tussen verdwaalde emosies
Sak die son en strek sy hand uit na die maan se skaduwee
Die somerreens bly nou lank weg
En die dorre hitte verteer my
Die soeke na ‘n kalm koelte
Is soos ‘n reisiger wat haas oppad is na nerens
Maar erens op ‘n pad
Le die hemel blou
Met sulke wit engeltjies
Wat waai in die wind
En die kroes bossies
Rus vaal en bruin
En lewe in die dorre aarde
Met waters diep na benede
Die plek, waar dit eens soos die sand gele het
En as jy stil word kan jy steeds die golwe hoor
En jy proe steeds die sout wat hierdie aarde deurtrek
Die stories van reisigers waai in die wind
Na plekke waar siele trek
Waar alleen-wees allerdaags is
En in die plek waar seisoene net geken word aan die son se tyd
Is oomblikke veel langer
Hier ontferm tyd hom nog oor sy kinders wat die lewe nagelaat het
Hier is drome tydloos en bly met jou
Hier kan jy praat
Na jouself luister
Want God het hierdie plek omskep
En die kleed van verwagtinge weggewerp
Sodat die stille stemme meegevoer word na hulle wat nog die storie moet hoor….
George A. Hill
Augustus 2009
(peace & love - GAH the truthseeker)
TRANSKEI MOON
Tuesday, 24th November 2009, 09:36am, East London, Eastern Cape, South Africa...
My thoughts are as far away from me as I am standing from God at this moment.
This realisation hits hard as I wade through moments of happiness. I have come to accept where I am and where I am going, but handing over becomes hard sometimes.
As I journey these beautiful landscapes, of hills and valleys, waterfalls and speckled homesteads I often get lost and move to a place that I once knew. A place where my ancestors roamed. And my heart yearn for that peace of laying my head anywhere and knowing that this is where I belong.
So today I will lift my head and walk tall. I will think of what I have instead of looking for more. I will learn to love the simple things once more and learn to appreciate the cycles of my life.
I am coming out of a winter and am entering spring, with summer lingering on the horizon.
Peace and Love you all...
GAH - THE TRUTHSEEKER
My thoughts are as far away from me as I am standing from God at this moment.
This realisation hits hard as I wade through moments of happiness. I have come to accept where I am and where I am going, but handing over becomes hard sometimes.
As I journey these beautiful landscapes, of hills and valleys, waterfalls and speckled homesteads I often get lost and move to a place that I once knew. A place where my ancestors roamed. And my heart yearn for that peace of laying my head anywhere and knowing that this is where I belong.
So today I will lift my head and walk tall. I will think of what I have instead of looking for more. I will learn to love the simple things once more and learn to appreciate the cycles of my life.
I am coming out of a winter and am entering spring, with summer lingering on the horizon.
Peace and Love you all...
GAH - THE TRUTHSEEKER
Monday, May 24, 2010
in the arms of critical discourse...
I only recently started to ask critical questions again. Not the kind of questions we ask ourselves everyday as we get caught up with just merely existing. Sometimes we find that we might even stop asking questions all together , and we just accept whatever we are told.
When we were black. When we were young....We asked the critical questions all the time. As a child of the 80's it was not easy to simply ignore what was happening around us. We could not ignore the pain and anxiety. We went to the front lines willingly. We fought running battles in our communities and we took in-principled decisions to defy the apartheid state.
But we were just kids with a burning revolutionary fervor. We were hungry for justice and we would do just about anything to attain it. Faces camouflaged, molotov cocktail in hand, flaming tyre rolling down to the barricade...marxist revolution in mind...
We lived, we ran, we hid, we spoke, we agreed, we loved, made love, we argued, but we found each other and we embraced. We had a common enemy. Maybe it was easier in a way back then.
Who would have known that the child of the revolution would grow up to what we have today. Who is the enemy today? And who is the protector of that enemy?
I was very privileged to have had amongst my mentors principled individuals who were activist-journalist with progressive left leaning politics. They refined in me the need to ask the critical questions.
In our country today we have embraced the idea of nationhood and as we find ourselves a few weeks away from the biggest world spectacle to hit our shores, the 2010 World Cup. We are becoming even more unified. And it is a beautiful face. This is something we fought for and that so many have given their lives for. Unity & non-racialism that is.
I love my country and I believe in my people. But I must ask what will happen post this World Cup?
Will we still embrace one another as we should? Will we extent to our blood brothers and sisters from this continent, the same courtesy we are extending our guests from Europe, the Sub Continent and the Americas?
Will our political leadership have the sense to reflect on the demographic make-up of our provinces and listen to the voice of the poor and make the necessary amendments?
Will we give the poor a chance? Will we remember our collective past and not merely use it for cheap political point scoring?
Are we truly reconciled or was it just a quick process to whip a rainbow into shape?
Does the ruling party still espouse true democracy and non-racialism?
Are the current leadership across political parties in tune with the needs of the people and are they competent to rule and guide their constituencies?
Will we open our eyes beyond the newly constructed world cup infrastructure and cast our eyes on the reality of our townships and other informal settlements in both urban and rural areas?
I have so many more questions to ask. But I will leave it up to ya all to ask the rest....
Peace & Love
GAH the truthseeker
When we were black. When we were young....We asked the critical questions all the time. As a child of the 80's it was not easy to simply ignore what was happening around us. We could not ignore the pain and anxiety. We went to the front lines willingly. We fought running battles in our communities and we took in-principled decisions to defy the apartheid state.
But we were just kids with a burning revolutionary fervor. We were hungry for justice and we would do just about anything to attain it. Faces camouflaged, molotov cocktail in hand, flaming tyre rolling down to the barricade...marxist revolution in mind...
We lived, we ran, we hid, we spoke, we agreed, we loved, made love, we argued, but we found each other and we embraced. We had a common enemy. Maybe it was easier in a way back then.
Who would have known that the child of the revolution would grow up to what we have today. Who is the enemy today? And who is the protector of that enemy?
I was very privileged to have had amongst my mentors principled individuals who were activist-journalist with progressive left leaning politics. They refined in me the need to ask the critical questions.
In our country today we have embraced the idea of nationhood and as we find ourselves a few weeks away from the biggest world spectacle to hit our shores, the 2010 World Cup. We are becoming even more unified. And it is a beautiful face. This is something we fought for and that so many have given their lives for. Unity & non-racialism that is.
I love my country and I believe in my people. But I must ask what will happen post this World Cup?
Will we still embrace one another as we should? Will we extent to our blood brothers and sisters from this continent, the same courtesy we are extending our guests from Europe, the Sub Continent and the Americas?
Will our political leadership have the sense to reflect on the demographic make-up of our provinces and listen to the voice of the poor and make the necessary amendments?
Will we give the poor a chance? Will we remember our collective past and not merely use it for cheap political point scoring?
Are we truly reconciled or was it just a quick process to whip a rainbow into shape?
Does the ruling party still espouse true democracy and non-racialism?
Are the current leadership across political parties in tune with the needs of the people and are they competent to rule and guide their constituencies?
Will we open our eyes beyond the newly constructed world cup infrastructure and cast our eyes on the reality of our townships and other informal settlements in both urban and rural areas?
I have so many more questions to ask. But I will leave it up to ya all to ask the rest....
Peace & Love
GAH the truthseeker
Saturday, May 22, 2010
LOVE IN THE TIME OF DISPLACMENT
As I am writing this I am listening to Les Feuilles Mortes, by Andrea Bocelli and it speaks to me. like so many things in my life it must all come to an end. I am going to try my utmost best to steer away from morbidity, but I write what I feel, most times.
I am an emotional being. Not in the sense of breaking down and crying or throwing tantrums. No, I am more the emotionally broody kind that often don't speak about how I feel, but tend to write about my inner most feelings.
You see, I grew up in a traditional home, where men were men and we had our roles very firmly defined. We had a uniformed way in which we processed all things that affected us and mostly we looked to our father as the navigator of our emotions.
Suffice to say that from an early stage crying was seen as a sign of weakness. Not because my dear father said so, but simply because we got on with life and we did what we had to, to move forward.
I find that I am lot like my parents as I grow older...for the better these days. The last few weeks have been very difficult. It has been emotionally draining. But it has also forced me to really sit still and do some deep introspection.
I am selling the family house, which I bought from my father a few years back and closing this cycle of my life. My folks are moving to a retirement home and they seem happy and excited at the prospect of being with folks their age from complete different backgrounds.
Packing up your family home is like holding memories in your hands and deciding which you would hold on to and which you will discards. Some are happy memories, others just tear open wounds best left in the past.
Be that as it may. There is something liberating about embarking on this journey and completing it. We so often run from our memories and we store them in places in our head and we carry them with us and have no control over them. Sometimes they pop up and become a destructive force we cannot speak to. But when we clean up house, when we hold memories and pack them away in boxes and look at them and speak with them. We begin to understand why. The questions we have are only answered by those memories we hold in our hands.
I am reminded of the tangibility of memories. My family home has been the centre of my universe. It was a place where I not only lived. It formed me the man I am today, far more than other experiences. In this place we lost a brother, a father, a son. We celebrated our family heritage year after year and we cemented and we had what so many other sought. But we also became contemptuous of each other and we disagreed, disappointed and at times loathed each other. But we always came back to one another.
As I sit in the lounge and we are packing the last of the ceramic dogs and taking down curtains and looking at each other with joy and sadness, I wonder if what feels at times like displacement will bring us closer together?
I look through the lounge window, Che is playing outside with Cody. They got rugby on their mind and Che seem oblivious at the impending movement.
I wish sometime I still processed like a child. But it is his time now, soon he will see the world through our eyes. But I am at peace...I have no choice. This cycle of my life has brought to where I am suppose to be.
Peace & Love
GAH the Truthseeker
I am an emotional being. Not in the sense of breaking down and crying or throwing tantrums. No, I am more the emotionally broody kind that often don't speak about how I feel, but tend to write about my inner most feelings.
You see, I grew up in a traditional home, where men were men and we had our roles very firmly defined. We had a uniformed way in which we processed all things that affected us and mostly we looked to our father as the navigator of our emotions.
Suffice to say that from an early stage crying was seen as a sign of weakness. Not because my dear father said so, but simply because we got on with life and we did what we had to, to move forward.
I find that I am lot like my parents as I grow older...for the better these days. The last few weeks have been very difficult. It has been emotionally draining. But it has also forced me to really sit still and do some deep introspection.
I am selling the family house, which I bought from my father a few years back and closing this cycle of my life. My folks are moving to a retirement home and they seem happy and excited at the prospect of being with folks their age from complete different backgrounds.
Packing up your family home is like holding memories in your hands and deciding which you would hold on to and which you will discards. Some are happy memories, others just tear open wounds best left in the past.
Be that as it may. There is something liberating about embarking on this journey and completing it. We so often run from our memories and we store them in places in our head and we carry them with us and have no control over them. Sometimes they pop up and become a destructive force we cannot speak to. But when we clean up house, when we hold memories and pack them away in boxes and look at them and speak with them. We begin to understand why. The questions we have are only answered by those memories we hold in our hands.
I am reminded of the tangibility of memories. My family home has been the centre of my universe. It was a place where I not only lived. It formed me the man I am today, far more than other experiences. In this place we lost a brother, a father, a son. We celebrated our family heritage year after year and we cemented and we had what so many other sought. But we also became contemptuous of each other and we disagreed, disappointed and at times loathed each other. But we always came back to one another.
As I sit in the lounge and we are packing the last of the ceramic dogs and taking down curtains and looking at each other with joy and sadness, I wonder if what feels at times like displacement will bring us closer together?
I look through the lounge window, Che is playing outside with Cody. They got rugby on their mind and Che seem oblivious at the impending movement.
I wish sometime I still processed like a child. But it is his time now, soon he will see the world through our eyes. But I am at peace...I have no choice. This cycle of my life has brought to where I am suppose to be.
Peace & Love
GAH the Truthseeker
Thursday, May 13, 2010
THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS & DOGS
There was a reason why I called this gig truthseeker. And I have to remind myself because bullshit comes so easily to me. I had an amazing visit with an old friend today.
There is a lot to be said for two people who have not seen each other for a long time and they can just cut through the bs and be real. Looking back at the path we followed today was most certainly a highlight. While our past was straight out of a Tarantino film, the soft subtle rain and the comfort of cheap coffee with ceramic dogs keeping a watchful eye over us was most refreshing.
After my friend left my heart smiled. It was real. Our interaction was just that. No expectations, no lies foretold. See, we know each other's most intimate secrets. Well some of them at least. We know who and what we are.
But I am rambling on. The point is that during our conversation we touched on a very sensitive topic. That is the issue of friends and acquaintances.
We meet many people during the course of our lives and we make many friends. We allow people into our spaces. Some bring value and occupy that space for a long period of time, while other come in and for a fleeting moment they take all they can and simply bounce.
Many of us who are highly socialised beings find that we attract people and we have many friends. We spend many a weekend in the presence of this group of people and at times even rotate them to make time to be with them all. There are also cycles to these friendships, depending on mood, economics, illicit substances, sexual preference, fashion etc...We personify the (IT)...everybody wants a piece of us and we play the game. The interaction is based on little more than nothing really. There is no real substance to these "friendships"other than social acceptability.
So you create this false world, with these false friends and discover at the end of it all after you and them have used one another all up, that there is no real friendship. And that these people are in fact nothing more than acquaintances. Hard perhaps but it is true.
I also find that when you move beyond your 30's and you start stripping yourself from the BS your real friends emerge. You attach value to different things other than your LV man purse or Gucci panties. And where you gonna have sushi and what avant garde show you are gonna see.
It is more about the honesty in each other that we seek. That is the comfort I find. I don't know about you...
Peace & Love
GAH - The truthseeker
There is a lot to be said for two people who have not seen each other for a long time and they can just cut through the bs and be real. Looking back at the path we followed today was most certainly a highlight. While our past was straight out of a Tarantino film, the soft subtle rain and the comfort of cheap coffee with ceramic dogs keeping a watchful eye over us was most refreshing.
After my friend left my heart smiled. It was real. Our interaction was just that. No expectations, no lies foretold. See, we know each other's most intimate secrets. Well some of them at least. We know who and what we are.
But I am rambling on. The point is that during our conversation we touched on a very sensitive topic. That is the issue of friends and acquaintances.
We meet many people during the course of our lives and we make many friends. We allow people into our spaces. Some bring value and occupy that space for a long period of time, while other come in and for a fleeting moment they take all they can and simply bounce.
Many of us who are highly socialised beings find that we attract people and we have many friends. We spend many a weekend in the presence of this group of people and at times even rotate them to make time to be with them all. There are also cycles to these friendships, depending on mood, economics, illicit substances, sexual preference, fashion etc...We personify the (IT)...everybody wants a piece of us and we play the game. The interaction is based on little more than nothing really. There is no real substance to these "friendships"other than social acceptability.
So you create this false world, with these false friends and discover at the end of it all after you and them have used one another all up, that there is no real friendship. And that these people are in fact nothing more than acquaintances. Hard perhaps but it is true.
I also find that when you move beyond your 30's and you start stripping yourself from the BS your real friends emerge. You attach value to different things other than your LV man purse or Gucci panties. And where you gonna have sushi and what avant garde show you are gonna see.
It is more about the honesty in each other that we seek. That is the comfort I find. I don't know about you...
Peace & Love
GAH - The truthseeker
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
LOVE LETTER TO TANDOOR
My dearest love,
I have been wanting to write this letter for the longest time now. So many days have past, so many seasons since I last saw you. Since I last held you in my arms. I miss simply just looking into your eyes, even though I know it became very painful toward the end of our time together.
When you could see right through me and where I was headed. Where our journey ended.
But I want to reminisce and talk of the good times. Of falling in love. Of seeing each other for the first time.
It was an August afternoon and Yeoville was bumping. I stepped off the bus opposite Time Square (before the days of quarts) and made my way to a table in the corner on the stoep. My favourite table. I ordered my usual, rolled a cigarette, took out Jean Paul-Sarte and struck my intellectual pose. Many came to join me over the course of many hours and we held court till the early hours of the morning. But somewhere in that evening you came along and...
I remember so clearly, you said so little but I could not stop trying to listen every word that fell from your mouth.
You were new in town and completely different to other women. You had an uncomplicated manner about you. It was like you lived life as if it was the last moment. Not intense at all, but yet intense in your quiet moments when you disappeared to a far off place inside.
And I fell in love with you so deeply. When you laughed you whole being laughed from within and your eyes disappeared. When we strolled down Rocky Street and and you held my arm, pulling me from side to side to show me something exciting that you have noticed, I gave into your childlike moments. You made me so much more than that pseudo-intellectual realm I was trapped in.
And when we made love for the first time, it was like tasting cool water for the first time. I could not stop drinking from you. We consumed each other, we ate, made love, laughed, listened to music, danced, made love, spoke, made love.
But we both knew from the start that it would never last. And when we lost our child, through mutual consent, not only our child died, but we died. Today I know that the love never died.
Like I said it has been many seasons. We were young and hopeful and filled with so many ideals. We were gonna change the world and love forever.
Forever turned out to be just a short little time.
I can't even remember who left who. It was never really important, though. All I knew is that a part of my soul was gone. And you still carry it with you today. I know it is with you. And we have moved on with our lives and we have fulfilled parts of our promises to one another, with others today.
And I see our daughters' eyes in the eyes of your kids and my kids today and wonder what she would have been like. Whether she would have had your laugh and my temperament. Whether she would have had your resolve and tenderness. Whether she would have shared our common love for music and good food.
I used to think of us as a family, but that was a long time ago. I think it was easy because we understood that even though we deeply loved each other, there was simply no way we could be together. But even though, it was sore and both of us hid our pain behind smiles and tender embraces for such a long time. But we moved on and loved others.
So why am I writing this letter to you after so many years you might ask?
Well I have always had this conversation with you in my head and it is time I tell you how I felt and how I feel. And I never really had a moment to say sorry and to say thank you for letting me into a place, at a time that was chosen for us by the universe. It was an amazing space. And even though there was pain, we loved each other and it was real. In that moment we truly loved each other. That is special. There are some people that go through life and they never experience even an ounce of what we had.
You opened my soul and my heart and taught me how to truly love a woman.
So I pray that He will hold you heart and our daughter's soul safe in His hands, always.
Love always
George
GAH - the truthseeker
I have been wanting to write this letter for the longest time now. So many days have past, so many seasons since I last saw you. Since I last held you in my arms. I miss simply just looking into your eyes, even though I know it became very painful toward the end of our time together.
When you could see right through me and where I was headed. Where our journey ended.
But I want to reminisce and talk of the good times. Of falling in love. Of seeing each other for the first time.
It was an August afternoon and Yeoville was bumping. I stepped off the bus opposite Time Square (before the days of quarts) and made my way to a table in the corner on the stoep. My favourite table. I ordered my usual, rolled a cigarette, took out Jean Paul-Sarte and struck my intellectual pose. Many came to join me over the course of many hours and we held court till the early hours of the morning. But somewhere in that evening you came along and...
I remember so clearly, you said so little but I could not stop trying to listen every word that fell from your mouth.
You were new in town and completely different to other women. You had an uncomplicated manner about you. It was like you lived life as if it was the last moment. Not intense at all, but yet intense in your quiet moments when you disappeared to a far off place inside.
And I fell in love with you so deeply. When you laughed you whole being laughed from within and your eyes disappeared. When we strolled down Rocky Street and and you held my arm, pulling me from side to side to show me something exciting that you have noticed, I gave into your childlike moments. You made me so much more than that pseudo-intellectual realm I was trapped in.
And when we made love for the first time, it was like tasting cool water for the first time. I could not stop drinking from you. We consumed each other, we ate, made love, laughed, listened to music, danced, made love, spoke, made love.
But we both knew from the start that it would never last. And when we lost our child, through mutual consent, not only our child died, but we died. Today I know that the love never died.
Like I said it has been many seasons. We were young and hopeful and filled with so many ideals. We were gonna change the world and love forever.
Forever turned out to be just a short little time.
I can't even remember who left who. It was never really important, though. All I knew is that a part of my soul was gone. And you still carry it with you today. I know it is with you. And we have moved on with our lives and we have fulfilled parts of our promises to one another, with others today.
And I see our daughters' eyes in the eyes of your kids and my kids today and wonder what she would have been like. Whether she would have had your laugh and my temperament. Whether she would have had your resolve and tenderness. Whether she would have shared our common love for music and good food.
I used to think of us as a family, but that was a long time ago. I think it was easy because we understood that even though we deeply loved each other, there was simply no way we could be together. But even though, it was sore and both of us hid our pain behind smiles and tender embraces for such a long time. But we moved on and loved others.
So why am I writing this letter to you after so many years you might ask?
Well I have always had this conversation with you in my head and it is time I tell you how I felt and how I feel. And I never really had a moment to say sorry and to say thank you for letting me into a place, at a time that was chosen for us by the universe. It was an amazing space. And even though there was pain, we loved each other and it was real. In that moment we truly loved each other. That is special. There are some people that go through life and they never experience even an ounce of what we had.
You opened my soul and my heart and taught me how to truly love a woman.
So I pray that He will hold you heart and our daughter's soul safe in His hands, always.
Love always
George
GAH - the truthseeker
Monday, March 29, 2010
OUR COLLECTIVE TRUTH - I cry tears for my ANC...
My ten year old boy, Che Amaru came up to me the other day and asked if I knew what a democracy is? Before I could answer he interjected and said; "A goverment for the people by the people." I smiled and saw his revolutionary light shine. He reminded me of me a long time ago. I see so much of me in him. The good side that is.
His words stayed with me long afterward and I started a conversation in my head. This is how my writing process starts. I have internal discourse and ask a million questions. All the time.
A government for the people. by the people. In South Africa today we certainly have that. Like all things in life it is not perfect and we have our challenges, but no one can deny that in this 16 years of democratisation, we have come a long way.
The ruling African National Congress (ANC) have certainly delivered on their promise to lead the oppressed masses out of slavery to the promised land. Or have they?
Added to the above question there are a few other critical questions we need to ask ourselves as a nation. And let us be honest and frank. On this platform we will not stiffle discourse.
Hard questions but critical ones. The act of revolutionary politics and the business of governance are two diffrent realities. These paradigms are on a collission course in this country and I for one do not know whether we will be able to prevent it.
Perhaps like most things in life what is happening now and what will happen in the future should be. It is the nature of this beast to eat its children. We have seen it happen to so many other African countries post liberation. As South Africans we have always dolled ourselves up and thought ourselves different from the rest of Africa. In fact we pride ourselves that we are not like our neighbours. The sad reality is that we have been showing the symptoms of backsliding for the longest time.
We have told white lies and we have spinned. And we started to believe or own hype.
But before I continue let me state out right, that I am not an Afro Pessimist. I believe in my country and in the continent. I fully comprehend the historical and socio-economic context pre and post colonisation and the legacy that we still have to deal with so many years later...
But please this is no excuse to become like our former colonisers and oppressors.
I asked those criltical questions earlier on because I want people to engage with it. To look at their current disposition and ask, just how far have we come? And where is it that we are headed to with the current leadership holding the political torch for the poor.
While we have empowered millions with our social grant system and created substantial amounts of jobs through the expanded public works programme, something just isn't right.
And here I keep on thinking about a culture of sustainabality. It seems outside of the social grant system, there is no real workable strategy in place to create longer term employment for our people. There are talks on the table about an industrial development programme, but it is just that at the moment.
We know and understand that we had to make hard decisions in terms of the economic policy direction in the early 90's and that this has had an impact on where we find ourselves today, but we did so knwoingly to protect white capital and the rising black elite. So in the name of fiscal prudence and economic growth to attract direct foreign investment, we sold out. But we had to, because the economy we inherited was far from perfect.
It is said that with the recession we lost a total of more than a million jobs, but the powers that be in their wisdom still predicted economic growth. Maybe for the super rich or the rising black wabenzi...But certainly not for the poorest of the poor.
We still have increased levels of gross economic inequality in our society. And all the current leadership can do, is by expensive cars, splurs money on mansions, hotels and accessories. Set them and their family members up in businesess and rape the public sector coffers. Negotiate deals and appear fleetingly to the poor when they need their votes. And every so often have a gathering and hand out food and a tshirt.
This is the current government for the people by the people.
But yet 66% of this nation voted the ANC back into power, with the hope that the Post polokwane savior Jacob Zuma will push the people's agenda. And I was one of those that voted for the ANC.
Certainly he says all the right things. But one gets the idea that he is always punching from the back foot. I am not interested at this time to get involved in a moral debate around our president. Critical as that might be, it has its place in another blog-episode.
The writing is on the walls across the country. We have had sustained service delivery protests across this country for the longest time now. People are growing increasingly impatient with the non delivery of services and election promises. This is the reality. We are sitting on a time bomb as far xenophobic attacks are concerned, with foreing nationals being the most vunerable when these attacks take place.
When have no moral compass when it comes to populist political leadership. Civil Society are treated like the enemey, when this democracy should be embracing these civic structures that are seeking to find a voice in our society.
We have have moved so far from the ideals of the National Democratic Revolution. I often listen in utter disbelieve when I listen to the current leadership giving inputs on issues that affect the lives of our people. The sad reality is that as it is with most orginsations the ANC is not perfect, it has never been. The oldest revolutionary movement on this continent has it flaws.
But I worry when the progressive voices are silenced and you witness the Stalinst purge post Polokwane and no one says anything.
I worry when the left in the alliance are moving to the centre simply in my opinion to pay patronage.
I worry when I see no clear "new" leaders moving to the forefront other than what we have in the ANC at the moment.
I worry when this ANC that I love so much is threatening my basic civil liberties.
I worry when the Malemas' of this world are given the plaftform to do as the wish at the cost of national reconcilliation.
I worry when I see an ugly retrogressive africanist agenda rearing it head and no one is saying anything about it.
I worry for Che who is ten and I worry for the ideals of democracy...
Just a few simple thoughts to get the debate going...
Peace & Love
GAH
(P.S) I still believe in the ideals of the Freedom Charter and what the ANC was born out of. I still believe it is the only organsation that can set my people free. I just don't think that it can achieve that with the current leadership.
His words stayed with me long afterward and I started a conversation in my head. This is how my writing process starts. I have internal discourse and ask a million questions. All the time.
A government for the people. by the people. In South Africa today we certainly have that. Like all things in life it is not perfect and we have our challenges, but no one can deny that in this 16 years of democratisation, we have come a long way.
The ruling African National Congress (ANC) have certainly delivered on their promise to lead the oppressed masses out of slavery to the promised land. Or have they?
Added to the above question there are a few other critical questions we need to ask ourselves as a nation. And let us be honest and frank. On this platform we will not stiffle discourse.
- Have we sold out the ideals of the revolution?
- Are the economic policies of the current administration and the ruling ANC progresive enough to push a developmental and real empowerment agenda?
- Do we have progressive leadership in the ANC that understand and are really interested in a pro-poor agenda?
- Does the ANC still ascribe to a non-racial agenda?
- Does the ANC have on its current executive national structures (NEC &NWC) a leadership that has the political will to enact real change to the lives of the people of South Africa?
- Could the national leadership care what happens in the Western Cape?
- Does COSATU & the SACP have a real voice in the alliance and will they be able to push a leftist agenda to the benefit of the poor?
- Are there really seperation of powers within the tier of the executive?
- Is South Africa becoming a one party state and what effect will this have on a healthy democracy?
- Are the critical/progressive thinkers being silenced within the ruling party?
- Is the rift between rich and poor widening and what impact will this have on the country as a whole?
- Are we allowing a culture of entitlement and patronage at the expense of true economic empowerment?
- How long will we be able to continue on this trajectory, before the centers gives way?
Hard questions but critical ones. The act of revolutionary politics and the business of governance are two diffrent realities. These paradigms are on a collission course in this country and I for one do not know whether we will be able to prevent it.
Perhaps like most things in life what is happening now and what will happen in the future should be. It is the nature of this beast to eat its children. We have seen it happen to so many other African countries post liberation. As South Africans we have always dolled ourselves up and thought ourselves different from the rest of Africa. In fact we pride ourselves that we are not like our neighbours. The sad reality is that we have been showing the symptoms of backsliding for the longest time.
We have told white lies and we have spinned. And we started to believe or own hype.
But before I continue let me state out right, that I am not an Afro Pessimist. I believe in my country and in the continent. I fully comprehend the historical and socio-economic context pre and post colonisation and the legacy that we still have to deal with so many years later...
But please this is no excuse to become like our former colonisers and oppressors.
I asked those criltical questions earlier on because I want people to engage with it. To look at their current disposition and ask, just how far have we come? And where is it that we are headed to with the current leadership holding the political torch for the poor.
While we have empowered millions with our social grant system and created substantial amounts of jobs through the expanded public works programme, something just isn't right.
And here I keep on thinking about a culture of sustainabality. It seems outside of the social grant system, there is no real workable strategy in place to create longer term employment for our people. There are talks on the table about an industrial development programme, but it is just that at the moment.
We know and understand that we had to make hard decisions in terms of the economic policy direction in the early 90's and that this has had an impact on where we find ourselves today, but we did so knwoingly to protect white capital and the rising black elite. So in the name of fiscal prudence and economic growth to attract direct foreign investment, we sold out. But we had to, because the economy we inherited was far from perfect.
It is said that with the recession we lost a total of more than a million jobs, but the powers that be in their wisdom still predicted economic growth. Maybe for the super rich or the rising black wabenzi...But certainly not for the poorest of the poor.
We still have increased levels of gross economic inequality in our society. And all the current leadership can do, is by expensive cars, splurs money on mansions, hotels and accessories. Set them and their family members up in businesess and rape the public sector coffers. Negotiate deals and appear fleetingly to the poor when they need their votes. And every so often have a gathering and hand out food and a tshirt.
This is the current government for the people by the people.
But yet 66% of this nation voted the ANC back into power, with the hope that the Post polokwane savior Jacob Zuma will push the people's agenda. And I was one of those that voted for the ANC.
Certainly he says all the right things. But one gets the idea that he is always punching from the back foot. I am not interested at this time to get involved in a moral debate around our president. Critical as that might be, it has its place in another blog-episode.
The writing is on the walls across the country. We have had sustained service delivery protests across this country for the longest time now. People are growing increasingly impatient with the non delivery of services and election promises. This is the reality. We are sitting on a time bomb as far xenophobic attacks are concerned, with foreing nationals being the most vunerable when these attacks take place.
When have no moral compass when it comes to populist political leadership. Civil Society are treated like the enemey, when this democracy should be embracing these civic structures that are seeking to find a voice in our society.
We have have moved so far from the ideals of the National Democratic Revolution. I often listen in utter disbelieve when I listen to the current leadership giving inputs on issues that affect the lives of our people. The sad reality is that as it is with most orginsations the ANC is not perfect, it has never been. The oldest revolutionary movement on this continent has it flaws.
But I worry when the progressive voices are silenced and you witness the Stalinst purge post Polokwane and no one says anything.
I worry when the left in the alliance are moving to the centre simply in my opinion to pay patronage.
I worry when I see no clear "new" leaders moving to the forefront other than what we have in the ANC at the moment.
I worry when this ANC that I love so much is threatening my basic civil liberties.
I worry when the Malemas' of this world are given the plaftform to do as the wish at the cost of national reconcilliation.
I worry when I see an ugly retrogressive africanist agenda rearing it head and no one is saying anything about it.
I worry for Che who is ten and I worry for the ideals of democracy...
Just a few simple thoughts to get the debate going...
Peace & Love
GAH
(P.S) I still believe in the ideals of the Freedom Charter and what the ANC was born out of. I still believe it is the only organsation that can set my people free. I just don't think that it can achieve that with the current leadership.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
I've got a feeling....
I finally got this thing sorted out. It is late and I am tired but my mind is buzzing. There is a million thoughts going through my head. A friend suggested a while back that I should utilise this space. So here I find myself in the land of the bloggers. I greet you brave ones.
I call this blog the truthseeker for a very specific reason. All of my life I have had difficulty with this concept of complete truth. I liked the greay areas. It allowed me for many years to live a double life and hide my true emotions and feelings.
It allowed me the capacity to manipulate situations to my advantage and my evil self thrived on it.
I found that the closest I ever came to the truth was when I wrote. Once those words fell on paper or my fingers started tapping away on the keyboard, it moved me closer to the real me.
Sometimes as a kid you tell yourself certain things. You manufacture things in your mind. For some it is easy to tell the difference, but for others it is not. For myself, I prefer the fairytale. I love the romantic. But sometimes in ones life, life happens and you are forced to step into reality. That is is hard, because real life is hard. It is not meant to be easy. I get that now.
I woke up the other morning and realised that I have been given another chance to start my life over at 35. I realised that all the prayers I have been saying over all these years are now coming into play. And I felt like God is beginning to hear me. Or maybe it is the first time in my life that I am have a real conversation with him. All I know is that it feels good to have someone to talk to.
It is good sometimes to loose everything. It is good sometimes to be called to a halt and to sit back and reflect. It is good sometimes to feel the pressure of alost loosing your house and not knowing how you gonna pay the bills. It is good especially when you have lived a life on assumption and consumption. When you have forgotten where you have come from. When you have lived life callously. When you have been blinded by your arrogance and greed. When you have pushed everything that was good that grounded aside, for pleasures sought in places people only whisper about.
It feels good to be able to get up and walk with pride. No matter how difficult it might be. It feels good to be able to confront your issues and not run away from them. Not drink them away or snort them away. It feels good to be able to accept who and what you are and face up to your imperfections. It feels good to be able to appear as you and not that manufactured person hiding behind things and titles.
I have hurt many people in my life over many years. As much as people love me there are many whom I have dissapointed deeply. I have to live with that, everyday. I have said sorry so many times, that I had forgotten what the word meant. Today I can only show those people that I love them, by the way I live my life.
I am not running anymore. Got no place to run to. I am not hiding anymore. Got no place to hide. I choose to stay.
I am embarking on a journey that will take me to places that many don't want to enter in to. I do this out of choice. Is this about redemption? I feel it is about living.
And while I speak, I would like to acknowledge God in this conversation. No longer am I gonna make excuses for my believe in a higher power, God. When all else failed and nothing made sense. He was there. When I was in the depths of my addiction, He was there. When I lost my children, He was there. When I walked away from, the women I loved, He was there. When I lost everything and had to start over, He was there. When I had thoughts of suicide, He was there. When I made bad decisions in business. He was there. When I sold my soul for money. He was there. When I saw the light and knew that I was gonna be ok, He was there. When I asked for quiet inside, He was there.
And as I start this journey, pray that He will hold my hand. Each day before I get out of bed. I say thank you for the opportunity to start over.
I have discovered that my journey must start everyday. I have discovered that it is ok not to have all the answers. It is ok to feel indifferent at times. It is ok to love and to fall in love. It is ok to love yourself, no matter how dissapointed you are. It is ok to cry sometimes. It is ok to stand up for what you believe in. It is ok to disagree with people. It is ok to plan ahead. It is ok to want to get married and be happy and live a normal life. It is ok to seek help and ask for directions. It is ok. And it will be ok.
Some told me once that the true measure of a man is not what he has, but how well he gets up after he has fallen. We have some many thing that pulls us down and we carry so much societal expectations with us.
Time to sit down for a moment and to take a load off. Look to the sky. Listen to the night. Listen to your heart. I try that sometimes and it does help...
Peace & Love
GAH - the truthseeker
I call this blog the truthseeker for a very specific reason. All of my life I have had difficulty with this concept of complete truth. I liked the greay areas. It allowed me for many years to live a double life and hide my true emotions and feelings.
It allowed me the capacity to manipulate situations to my advantage and my evil self thrived on it.
I found that the closest I ever came to the truth was when I wrote. Once those words fell on paper or my fingers started tapping away on the keyboard, it moved me closer to the real me.
Sometimes as a kid you tell yourself certain things. You manufacture things in your mind. For some it is easy to tell the difference, but for others it is not. For myself, I prefer the fairytale. I love the romantic. But sometimes in ones life, life happens and you are forced to step into reality. That is is hard, because real life is hard. It is not meant to be easy. I get that now.
I woke up the other morning and realised that I have been given another chance to start my life over at 35. I realised that all the prayers I have been saying over all these years are now coming into play. And I felt like God is beginning to hear me. Or maybe it is the first time in my life that I am have a real conversation with him. All I know is that it feels good to have someone to talk to.
It is good sometimes to loose everything. It is good sometimes to be called to a halt and to sit back and reflect. It is good sometimes to feel the pressure of alost loosing your house and not knowing how you gonna pay the bills. It is good especially when you have lived a life on assumption and consumption. When you have forgotten where you have come from. When you have lived life callously. When you have been blinded by your arrogance and greed. When you have pushed everything that was good that grounded aside, for pleasures sought in places people only whisper about.
It feels good to be able to get up and walk with pride. No matter how difficult it might be. It feels good to be able to confront your issues and not run away from them. Not drink them away or snort them away. It feels good to be able to accept who and what you are and face up to your imperfections. It feels good to be able to appear as you and not that manufactured person hiding behind things and titles.
I have hurt many people in my life over many years. As much as people love me there are many whom I have dissapointed deeply. I have to live with that, everyday. I have said sorry so many times, that I had forgotten what the word meant. Today I can only show those people that I love them, by the way I live my life.
I am not running anymore. Got no place to run to. I am not hiding anymore. Got no place to hide. I choose to stay.
I am embarking on a journey that will take me to places that many don't want to enter in to. I do this out of choice. Is this about redemption? I feel it is about living.
And while I speak, I would like to acknowledge God in this conversation. No longer am I gonna make excuses for my believe in a higher power, God. When all else failed and nothing made sense. He was there. When I was in the depths of my addiction, He was there. When I lost my children, He was there. When I walked away from, the women I loved, He was there. When I lost everything and had to start over, He was there. When I had thoughts of suicide, He was there. When I made bad decisions in business. He was there. When I sold my soul for money. He was there. When I saw the light and knew that I was gonna be ok, He was there. When I asked for quiet inside, He was there.
And as I start this journey, pray that He will hold my hand. Each day before I get out of bed. I say thank you for the opportunity to start over.
I have discovered that my journey must start everyday. I have discovered that it is ok not to have all the answers. It is ok to feel indifferent at times. It is ok to love and to fall in love. It is ok to love yourself, no matter how dissapointed you are. It is ok to cry sometimes. It is ok to stand up for what you believe in. It is ok to disagree with people. It is ok to plan ahead. It is ok to want to get married and be happy and live a normal life. It is ok to seek help and ask for directions. It is ok. And it will be ok.
Some told me once that the true measure of a man is not what he has, but how well he gets up after he has fallen. We have some many thing that pulls us down and we carry so much societal expectations with us.
Time to sit down for a moment and to take a load off. Look to the sky. Listen to the night. Listen to your heart. I try that sometimes and it does help...
Peace & Love
GAH - the truthseeker
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